Wow.... just wow. I'm watching Little Miss Sunshine for the first time ever as a write this and i have to say that the grandfather is hilarious. And i have to say so far i can see why this movie has gotten loads of great reviews, but then again consider the cast, all wonderful actors, would you expect to see them in anything else?
This however in a round-about way brings me to the point that i want to talk about which is names. Consider Steve Carell and Abigail Breslin, what images come to mind when you think of these people? Steve Carell brings to my mind the thoughts of his comedy and the show The Office. Abigail Breslin on the other hand reminds me of a number of different things but mainly of an interview with Ryan Reynolds (who in turn makes me think of Van Wilder and Blade Trinity).
Each of these people has an instant thing that comes to mind when you hear their name. (btw Abigail makes me want to go awwww and give her a giant bear hug.... how is she so cute?). And i don't doubt that there is something that comes instantly to mind when you think of the names of people you know (what comes to mind when you think of mine?[that is what comments are for]).
Think about what the people in your life bring to your mind when you think of their names. Think long and hard about who you want in it and what is going on with them. And then think about what has happened with that person before and if you are focusing too much on the itty bitty problems and not enough on the great giant happy memories. (and now it is so very very sad... poor people...)
Now to continue this story today i took a trip to Costco for the first time ever with a friend of mine and we went shopping. After spending about an hour in the store we left and on the radio there was a song playing live by some band, i think it was called "if". Anywho it was about imagining yourself as a color. This sparked all of this post in reality.
For the drive back to school i was thinking about what type of color i am, and determined that it is really really hard to figure out. For me i see a combination of blue and yellow so that it has a green tinge but i can't get it quite right. It is like no matter how i think about it there is just something missing, something in myself that i can't quite imagine.
Which brings me to my name. My first name is Wesley but i tend to usually go by Wes. Besides the fact that as with most people who can shorten their names i do, there is also the mentality that goes behind it. See, when i was in grade school i always said that i preferred Wes because Wesley just sounded far to formal. I think it still this mentality.
Lately i have been feeling like i am trapped in between childhood and adulthood and though i am maturing (however slowly) i still am in so many ways very innocent and in others so very very grown up... And in this conflict some people feel more comfortable calling me Wesley while others call me Wes. I guess the end point here is that different names for different situations suit well. Don't get too caught up in one image of yourself, because then you wont be ready for the change when it happens.
28.2.10
25.2.10
New Family
Ok, been a few days, haven't posted, haven't written. Defiantly the start of a slippery slope. This blog post owes its existence to the prof who i work for (thank you prof i work for!). See tonight while i was working i had this idea that had to do with me learning to program using MATLAB and a computer which no one in the lab uses.
Anywho this post doesn't have to do with MATLAB or the computer, or even psych really. Rather it has to do with where i ended up when i went to talk to him about this. He was at an event that decides which book the new students of the university read in the fall. There are four books currently competing for the spot and though i am rooting for Outliers by Malcolm Gladwell one of the themes of the other books caught me.
To be perfectly honest i cannot recall what the other book was titled, so i can't give you a link to order it. But i can summarize the plot in a few quick points!
- Selfish woman gets in car crash
- Destroys car that is home to grandmother and kids who are going to another city to get work
- Mother of kids is in hospital dying of cancer
- Father of kids is MIA
- Selfish woman takes in family from car
- Selfish woman becomes unselfish
Quick and dirty summing up, i can't go into more detail because A) i have never read it and B) this is me recalling the summary i heard a few hours ago and things get fuzzy after a few minutes...
Anywho the reason that this book is bringing up the post you are reading is because the book is about a woman who creates a family out of people she meets (which is the reason that they want university students to read it). Me personally, i have never been one to find family such a brilliant reason for staying in touch with people i have less in common with than the chimpanzees who use tools at the zoo, but i am now starting to get a bit of the building a family out of friends.
The number of people who use the terms "love, family, best friend" over and over with regards to everyone they know horrifies me. I have an undying love for language, it is why i write, it is why i talk the amount i do, it is one of the many reason i am going for a degree in philosophy. Seeing words that have these deep meanings tossed around like leaves on an autumn day truly does upset me. They have been tossed around by people i know at university and yet i also know that myself along with several others have truly meant it when they said it.
And this brings me to my second story. Waaaaaaaaaaaaaay back in January (do you remember January? it is getting to be far away...) there was a meeting in my residence, where most of my friends here happen to live. It was a painfully long and boring meeting filled with ideas like do your work ahead of time so that you don't get all stressed and do your readings after classes so you don't have to do them the night before the mid-term.... Anywho in and amongst the rest of the usual stuff that students ignore and mock the entire time (inbetween the yelling and cheering anyways) was the comment that this is the time of year people become close or fall apart.
The second semester was remarked upon as the time when people begin looking for houses, all the exams and assignments people should have been working all year long on become due, and the drinking goes up as more people turn 19. AKA second semester is stress central. And in this time it becomes so easy for people to develop a conflict and not talk it out.
We all are in university here, we are supposed to have left the high school drama behind. I know that it will never fully leave completely but as the guy who spoke for the book outliers said tonight "This is the time when we are becoming who we are for the rest of our lives" do you guys really want to be the type of "family" who doesn't talk things out and lets pride and lack of communication break us all apart? Or are we all going to take some steps and grow up, prevent that divorce and show just how much our friendships mean to all of us.
I don't really want two birthdays and Christmases, do you? Check this out if you need to think some more.
Anywho this post doesn't have to do with MATLAB or the computer, or even psych really. Rather it has to do with where i ended up when i went to talk to him about this. He was at an event that decides which book the new students of the university read in the fall. There are four books currently competing for the spot and though i am rooting for Outliers by Malcolm Gladwell one of the themes of the other books caught me.
To be perfectly honest i cannot recall what the other book was titled, so i can't give you a link to order it. But i can summarize the plot in a few quick points!
- Selfish woman gets in car crash
- Destroys car that is home to grandmother and kids who are going to another city to get work
- Mother of kids is in hospital dying of cancer
- Father of kids is MIA
- Selfish woman takes in family from car
- Selfish woman becomes unselfish
Quick and dirty summing up, i can't go into more detail because A) i have never read it and B) this is me recalling the summary i heard a few hours ago and things get fuzzy after a few minutes...
Anywho the reason that this book is bringing up the post you are reading is because the book is about a woman who creates a family out of people she meets (which is the reason that they want university students to read it). Me personally, i have never been one to find family such a brilliant reason for staying in touch with people i have less in common with than the chimpanzees who use tools at the zoo, but i am now starting to get a bit of the building a family out of friends.
The number of people who use the terms "love, family, best friend" over and over with regards to everyone they know horrifies me. I have an undying love for language, it is why i write, it is why i talk the amount i do, it is one of the many reason i am going for a degree in philosophy. Seeing words that have these deep meanings tossed around like leaves on an autumn day truly does upset me. They have been tossed around by people i know at university and yet i also know that myself along with several others have truly meant it when they said it.
And this brings me to my second story. Waaaaaaaaaaaaaay back in January (do you remember January? it is getting to be far away...) there was a meeting in my residence, where most of my friends here happen to live. It was a painfully long and boring meeting filled with ideas like do your work ahead of time so that you don't get all stressed and do your readings after classes so you don't have to do them the night before the mid-term.... Anywho in and amongst the rest of the usual stuff that students ignore and mock the entire time (inbetween the yelling and cheering anyways) was the comment that this is the time of year people become close or fall apart.
The second semester was remarked upon as the time when people begin looking for houses, all the exams and assignments people should have been working all year long on become due, and the drinking goes up as more people turn 19. AKA second semester is stress central. And in this time it becomes so easy for people to develop a conflict and not talk it out.
We all are in university here, we are supposed to have left the high school drama behind. I know that it will never fully leave completely but as the guy who spoke for the book outliers said tonight "This is the time when we are becoming who we are for the rest of our lives" do you guys really want to be the type of "family" who doesn't talk things out and lets pride and lack of communication break us all apart? Or are we all going to take some steps and grow up, prevent that divorce and show just how much our friendships mean to all of us.
I don't really want two birthdays and Christmases, do you? Check this out if you need to think some more.
12.2.10
Opening
So tonight I sat down and actually watched a lot of the opening of the Olympic Games in Vancouver. It was... Well awesome. That is just about the only way to really put it, keep in mind that this is also the first time I have ever actually sat down and watched anything at all to do with the Olympics.
Well technically it isn't the first time, I mean back in grade school when the men's hockey team and women's hockey team won the gold on the same year for the first time in a while we all sat in the gym and watched. But that doesn't count. That was to get out of class.
I think I also need to explain my view of sports because it is kinda confusing, even to me. Seen I have an incredibly overly competitive nature, while I am terrible at sports so I tend to not really play or play only for fun, which I somehow manage to do (who knows? *shrug*). However I find watching sports so incredibly dull that I don't ever really sit down and watch.
I can enjoy playing any single sport out there but I tend to be really ridiculously competitive with all of them. As such I don't tend to play them and I don't tend to watch them. Add into this that I am a person who has never been much of a team player and you see that I am more along the lines of someone who wants to gets to do things all by them self.
As such there really isn't much value to me personally in things like the Olympics; rather I tend to find my joys in things like reading and writing or my terrible painting and drawing. I like my arts over sports and tend to favour them. As I said in a conversation tonight about the Olympic funding "personally I say take away the funding and give it to the schools instead." I am far more in favour of individual improvement over teamwork.
But watching the opening of the Olympics I saw the kind of joy and pride that can be taken in working something so wonderful together. I think when it comes to methods of encouraging international change they could become one of the best tools out there.
I probably should wait till tomorrow at least to finish this but I feel like doing it now. I think that the slam poet at the end of the opening ceremonies was the most inspiring part to me personally. And yet it was so sad because listening to him I couldn't help but think about how my opinion about Canadians over the last couple years had changed from one similar to his to one seeing Canadians to the idea of the international US citizen.
So I think that perhaps over the next year we should see if we can become just a little closer to being like the people he described in his poetry.
Well technically it isn't the first time, I mean back in grade school when the men's hockey team and women's hockey team won the gold on the same year for the first time in a while we all sat in the gym and watched. But that doesn't count. That was to get out of class.
I think I also need to explain my view of sports because it is kinda confusing, even to me. Seen I have an incredibly overly competitive nature, while I am terrible at sports so I tend to not really play or play only for fun, which I somehow manage to do (who knows? *shrug*). However I find watching sports so incredibly dull that I don't ever really sit down and watch.
I can enjoy playing any single sport out there but I tend to be really ridiculously competitive with all of them. As such I don't tend to play them and I don't tend to watch them. Add into this that I am a person who has never been much of a team player and you see that I am more along the lines of someone who wants to gets to do things all by them self.
As such there really isn't much value to me personally in things like the Olympics; rather I tend to find my joys in things like reading and writing or my terrible painting and drawing. I like my arts over sports and tend to favour them. As I said in a conversation tonight about the Olympic funding "personally I say take away the funding and give it to the schools instead." I am far more in favour of individual improvement over teamwork.
But watching the opening of the Olympics I saw the kind of joy and pride that can be taken in working something so wonderful together. I think when it comes to methods of encouraging international change they could become one of the best tools out there.
I probably should wait till tomorrow at least to finish this but I feel like doing it now. I think that the slam poet at the end of the opening ceremonies was the most inspiring part to me personally. And yet it was so sad because listening to him I couldn't help but think about how my opinion about Canadians over the last couple years had changed from one similar to his to one seeing Canadians to the idea of the international US citizen.
So I think that perhaps over the next year we should see if we can become just a little closer to being like the people he described in his poetry.
Blogging about Writing
So it is time for another post, and i am just about as shocked as you that i am writing before 3 am. But we all know miraculous things happen so lets just embrace it and move on.
What i want to write about today is an idea that is bouncing around my head and i haven't fully mashed it out so lucky you, you get to be the anvil, i will be the hammer, and the idea is the piece of metal between the two of us. Shockingly complete idea.
First i need to ask if you have ever watched the show Californication then you know of the character Hank Moody. He is a once brilliant writer turned washed up author who sleeps with anything female, stereotypically sexy, and with a pulse. His spiral of pain centers around the woman who got away and the fact that he has sex unknowingly with the 16 year old daughter of her fiance.
Anywho, away from the great show (seriously, watch a few episodes, his daughter will make you cry!) and back to my main point. There is an episode in which he talks to a creative writing class where he concludes his speech with "so at the end of the day if you can do anything else, telemarketing, pharmaceutical sales, ditch digging, or major league umpire do that because being a writer blows, seriously it is like having homework every day for the rest of your life." I have started to come to the same conclusion recently.
It is kind of a sad realization for me because i love writing things so much, like writing this gives me this inner moment of contentment and stillness that i don't often know in other places. And yet i also see that writing is often pointless and without joy unless it is this kind of mindless out-pouring of thought. It becomes a sort of mental masturbation, it is easy to see why Freud called all art misplaced sexual drives.
But then i can't help but be reminded of another quote (isn't this how i work? quote this, quote that). It is that "The truth critics must face is the average piece of junk is more meaningful than our criticism designating it so."-Ego.
I can't help but feel the truth in this too. Each word written has the potential to inspire someone in some other way. It goes that this can link to the piece of writing i hate most of all, the Twilight series. Like it or not there is some value in them. I may not see it, it may not be there to me but that doesn't mean i get to say there is no meaning in it for anyone (however much i dislike its crappy crappy crappy writing, that's right, three crappys!).
I guess that in the end all i have really to say is that writing is wonderful and joyful but can also be painful and dull. And in the end if you really love it you will stay through all the flaws and hard times and reach those wondrous moments where you write something so wondrous it makes it all worthwhile.
What i want to write about today is an idea that is bouncing around my head and i haven't fully mashed it out so lucky you, you get to be the anvil, i will be the hammer, and the idea is the piece of metal between the two of us. Shockingly complete idea.
First i need to ask if you have ever watched the show Californication then you know of the character Hank Moody. He is a once brilliant writer turned washed up author who sleeps with anything female, stereotypically sexy, and with a pulse. His spiral of pain centers around the woman who got away and the fact that he has sex unknowingly with the 16 year old daughter of her fiance.
Anywho, away from the great show (seriously, watch a few episodes, his daughter will make you cry!) and back to my main point. There is an episode in which he talks to a creative writing class where he concludes his speech with "so at the end of the day if you can do anything else, telemarketing, pharmaceutical sales, ditch digging, or major league umpire do that because being a writer blows, seriously it is like having homework every day for the rest of your life." I have started to come to the same conclusion recently.
It is kind of a sad realization for me because i love writing things so much, like writing this gives me this inner moment of contentment and stillness that i don't often know in other places. And yet i also see that writing is often pointless and without joy unless it is this kind of mindless out-pouring of thought. It becomes a sort of mental masturbation, it is easy to see why Freud called all art misplaced sexual drives.
But then i can't help but be reminded of another quote (isn't this how i work? quote this, quote that). It is that "The truth critics must face is the average piece of junk is more meaningful than our criticism designating it so."-Ego.
I can't help but feel the truth in this too. Each word written has the potential to inspire someone in some other way. It goes that this can link to the piece of writing i hate most of all, the Twilight series. Like it or not there is some value in them. I may not see it, it may not be there to me but that doesn't mean i get to say there is no meaning in it for anyone (however much i dislike its crappy crappy crappy writing, that's right, three crappys!).
I guess that in the end all i have really to say is that writing is wonderful and joyful but can also be painful and dull. And in the end if you really love it you will stay through all the flaws and hard times and reach those wondrous moments where you write something so wondrous it makes it all worthwhile.
7.2.10
My Uni
So i am back at university after a short trip home and the feeling of releif when i walked through my res room door was amazing. I felt so much more at home, it calmed me down and just felt so much better. As i threw my stuff onto my bed i couldn't help but feel like i was back where i belonged.
Even though i was only gone for a night and it wasn't really even a full day it just feels so much better being here. But back to what i really want to write about, trip home.
See, i went home because i am now picking up 5 hours every two weeks from my old job so that i can afford to do all the wonderful things that we like to do here at uni, like say eat out and enjoy real food. So i went back to my shitey old job at the grocery store and worked away five hours (and by worked i mean thought up the most useful ways to waste time).
While i was there i couldn't help but think about what exactly it is that frustrates me about working there so much. I mean if i actually was to get a job at a bar like i so want would it really be all that different or would i be just going through more of the same?
With working there for as long as i have i seem to either know where everything is or know how to find everything which is actually quite nice. I mean due to my massive amounts of experience i am now competent at my job. So could it be that there is just no more of a challenge there? It certainly does contribute to it, no matter what day it is i know exactly what will be happening each and every second i spend there.
But there is more to it than that. The work is incredibly mindless which doesn't help. I can work and wonder about life, existence, and the meaning of it all over and over again. That is actually kinda nice, to get time to think things through and work on my thoughts is rather nice. I mean it isn't like i really take a lot of time to do that most days, but after 5 hours of it straight my thoughts become kinda repetitive.
But the issue i couldn't help thinking about and realized that it bugged me the most is the last one i come to. I really don't like uniforms.
Ya, that is my major complaint currently. I don't want to wear the uniform and look exactly like everyone else who works there. That is why i glory in every single change to my look i can make. I roll up my sleeve, wear blue pants instead of black, wear different colored undershirts. All in my effort to be me and not this mindless slave that uniforms make me think of.
And that is why i really want to work for a small business where they don't have uniforms or name-tags or time clocks. Rather i want to be able to work in my clothes, don't get me wrong i would still look nice and be sure to be clean. But i would also get to be me. And isn't that supposed to be who they are hiring anyways, me?
Even though i was only gone for a night and it wasn't really even a full day it just feels so much better being here. But back to what i really want to write about, trip home.
See, i went home because i am now picking up 5 hours every two weeks from my old job so that i can afford to do all the wonderful things that we like to do here at uni, like say eat out and enjoy real food. So i went back to my shitey old job at the grocery store and worked away five hours (and by worked i mean thought up the most useful ways to waste time).
While i was there i couldn't help but think about what exactly it is that frustrates me about working there so much. I mean if i actually was to get a job at a bar like i so want would it really be all that different or would i be just going through more of the same?
With working there for as long as i have i seem to either know where everything is or know how to find everything which is actually quite nice. I mean due to my massive amounts of experience i am now competent at my job. So could it be that there is just no more of a challenge there? It certainly does contribute to it, no matter what day it is i know exactly what will be happening each and every second i spend there.
But there is more to it than that. The work is incredibly mindless which doesn't help. I can work and wonder about life, existence, and the meaning of it all over and over again. That is actually kinda nice, to get time to think things through and work on my thoughts is rather nice. I mean it isn't like i really take a lot of time to do that most days, but after 5 hours of it straight my thoughts become kinda repetitive.
But the issue i couldn't help thinking about and realized that it bugged me the most is the last one i come to. I really don't like uniforms.
Ya, that is my major complaint currently. I don't want to wear the uniform and look exactly like everyone else who works there. That is why i glory in every single change to my look i can make. I roll up my sleeve, wear blue pants instead of black, wear different colored undershirts. All in my effort to be me and not this mindless slave that uniforms make me think of.
And that is why i really want to work for a small business where they don't have uniforms or name-tags or time clocks. Rather i want to be able to work in my clothes, don't get me wrong i would still look nice and be sure to be clean. But i would also get to be me. And isn't that supposed to be who they are hiring anyways, me?
4.2.10
VD...
Valentines Day is almost here and this year it comes with a number of other holidays. As a university student i have already noticed a number of different celebrations popping up in and around the holiday and it makes me happy.
I was someone who spent my time in high school playing the cynic and celebrating Anti- V Day which is really easy to do with website like: http://www.meish.org/vd/ . Personally my favorite is the one that simply states "You'll Do".
But now with all these other events coming up I have had a slight awakening to the idea that maybe we all should get into the original spirit of the season instead of the Hallmark Store.
First of the events i have noticed is "Tell her she's beautiful" which is simply inspiring to tell the women of your life that you think they are beautiful just the way they are. It is a wonderful way to tell the people you care about that you do care and more than about looks as well.
Next is the reverse, no not tell her she's ugly but "Tell him he's handsome", a chance to tell the men in her life that you think they look great no matter how old they have gotten or what life has been putting them through. It simply is a great way to show what people mean to you.
But of course no holiday is complete without some time to yourself. That is why there is also self love week, running from February 9th to the 13th. The perfect reminder in the hustle and bustle
world that sometimes you need to kick back, take hold, and enjoy life.
*side note: i have submitted this post to another blog to run, cross your fingers for me!*
2.2.10
Sleep
I don't really know what i want to write about tonight. I guess that is something that will fill in as i go, but i am betting it will have something to do with sleep.
The reason for that is, well, i really should be sleeping right now, but for some unknown reason i am not in the slightest tired and as such have no real urge to sleep other than the fact that i should. It really is frustrating, especially when i have to be up at in the science complex for 8:30 in the morning. As i write this, well sit and type this, my clocks are all rolling over to 3 am from 2:59...
God how i wish i was sleeping... Or that tomorrow simply wasn't Tuesday. If it wasn't Tuesday then it wouldn't be my busy day and i could sleep in, or nap, or relax, or something instead of having to run around like a chicken with its head chopped off.
But tomorrow is Tuesday, today really, and it is 3:01 in the morning. So instead i think i will write some more about what is currently escaping me. Sleep, that lovely time between moments of consciousness.
Sleep can be such a wonderful time or something terrifying depending on the events that you have recently gone through. In my favorite book, The Name of The Wind, there is a line about the 4 doors which the mind passes through to deal with pain. They are forgetting, sleep, insanity, and death. I cannot recall which comes first, forgetting or sleep, but they both are very similar that now i wish to write of them both.
In sleep we forget the world around us, we seem to forget the rules of reality favoring a place which holds nothing back, in which there is nothing we cannot do. Sleep is the place where we get to be the authors of our own stories, where literally anything is possible. It is the place of true limitlessness.
And in the same way it is a fiction. Sleep and dreams create nothing more than a false place, a fake home for when someone wakes up it all vanishes. You can hold something in your sleep but it is less substantial than smoke, at least smoke leaves a smell behind.
And yet even though sleep truly offers us nothing real, it is less than a video game or a movie because those can at least be shared experiences, does it not seem to be something more? Something special?
When we lay down to sleep and close our eyes we become defenseless until we wake up again (or depending on the person until 20 minutes after we have woken up...). We sleep next to people we feel truly comfortable with. Sleep comes after a large meal or a truly tiring discussion or work out.
We lay down, wrapped in hopefully warm blankets, close our eyes, and drift away.
The reason for that is, well, i really should be sleeping right now, but for some unknown reason i am not in the slightest tired and as such have no real urge to sleep other than the fact that i should. It really is frustrating, especially when i have to be up at in the science complex for 8:30 in the morning. As i write this, well sit and type this, my clocks are all rolling over to 3 am from 2:59...
God how i wish i was sleeping... Or that tomorrow simply wasn't Tuesday. If it wasn't Tuesday then it wouldn't be my busy day and i could sleep in, or nap, or relax, or something instead of having to run around like a chicken with its head chopped off.
But tomorrow is Tuesday, today really, and it is 3:01 in the morning. So instead i think i will write some more about what is currently escaping me. Sleep, that lovely time between moments of consciousness.
Sleep can be such a wonderful time or something terrifying depending on the events that you have recently gone through. In my favorite book, The Name of The Wind, there is a line about the 4 doors which the mind passes through to deal with pain. They are forgetting, sleep, insanity, and death. I cannot recall which comes first, forgetting or sleep, but they both are very similar that now i wish to write of them both.
In sleep we forget the world around us, we seem to forget the rules of reality favoring a place which holds nothing back, in which there is nothing we cannot do. Sleep is the place where we get to be the authors of our own stories, where literally anything is possible. It is the place of true limitlessness.
And in the same way it is a fiction. Sleep and dreams create nothing more than a false place, a fake home for when someone wakes up it all vanishes. You can hold something in your sleep but it is less substantial than smoke, at least smoke leaves a smell behind.
And yet even though sleep truly offers us nothing real, it is less than a video game or a movie because those can at least be shared experiences, does it not seem to be something more? Something special?
When we lay down to sleep and close our eyes we become defenseless until we wake up again (or depending on the person until 20 minutes after we have woken up...). We sleep next to people we feel truly comfortable with. Sleep comes after a large meal or a truly tiring discussion or work out.
We lay down, wrapped in hopefully warm blankets, close our eyes, and drift away.
30.1.10
I'm Back
Hello people out there in the blog-o-sphere. How are you today? Did you enjoy my vacation from writing to you nearly every single day? I know i did and didn't at the same time. Turns out i need to write to you, but i will get back to that in a bit.
It has been so long that i can't even remember what the last post before this one i wrote was about... oh well, that just means i can write about whatever i want and if it ends up being a repeat i wont feel bad.
So back to the writing i go... Well as it has been ages let me fill you in on what exactly has happened in my life. I was on the fencing team, left it for school work, was salsa dancing but left it because i lacked the time. I continue to be a part of walk home, have improved my study habits, had my exams, passed a class and started a new one. Broke up with my girlfriend and continued to make new friends. Have drank and mixed drinks, yet to have a hangover at university. Tried wine and avoided sourpuss. And most recently realized just how much i have changed.
I used to be much more introverted than i currently am (don't get me wrong, i still am incredibly shy but it is slowly going away...). Rather now i find myself embracing a certain type of insanity which allows me to do whatever i so choose and be completely comfortable with it. It would be a lie for me to claim credit for this however, i instead owe this to the wonderfully amazing people i have grown to know and love here at university.
They have gifted me with this confidence in myself to be whoever i want to be, and in doing this have given me the space to grow to who i currently am (that is right, i blame all of YOU for my insanity!). I thank you all for this.
However, in the constant stream and rush of activities swirling around me i recently have also realized how much of myself i have lost. I rarely manage to find the time to sit and meditate anymore. I rarely take the time to find the random posts online which so inspire my world views. And lets not forget this blog. I don't really take the time to write anymore.
I can't help but be reminded of a quote (can i ever?) which states that sitting around and simply waiting for inspiration never works, you have to go out there and get it for yourself. In a way that is what i have been doing for myself, latching onto whatever ideas or experiances come my way to see what i can do with them and what i can learn.
But this leaping from idea to idea, from thought to thought, and action to action leaves me feeling sort of drained and less who i was, or even with the idea of who i was. And that is a mistake.
One thing i remember from myself is a quote (thats right, one i made!) which says "Be thankful for who you were yesterday for without them you would not be who you are now" and tonight i realize just how true this is. Tonight i tried out for my university's first response team, the people on campus who help out in cases of medical emergencies. If you can't tell what happened then i suppose i have to. I didn't make the cut and for quite some time i felt deeply upset by it.
I tried to play pool, or to sit and read a text book but i couldn't do it, i needed movement. And so i got up and ran across campus before slowly walking back (in negative 16 weather, i have no idea what made me forget to grab a hat but my ears are still mad about it).
If you have enjoyed reading this far than you owe that walk a thank you because it reminded me of who i used to be. And it told me that there just might be parts of that person i want to hang onto. For instance the meditation and the writing are parts which i deeply miss and so i think i will attempt to resurrect.
If i fail, well i am only human, and if i succeed then gimme the props i deserve, a smack to the back of the head and the orders to get back to work or over to the pool table.
On a side note, sit and listen to this song Man I Used to Be
It has been so long that i can't even remember what the last post before this one i wrote was about... oh well, that just means i can write about whatever i want and if it ends up being a repeat i wont feel bad.
So back to the writing i go... Well as it has been ages let me fill you in on what exactly has happened in my life. I was on the fencing team, left it for school work, was salsa dancing but left it because i lacked the time. I continue to be a part of walk home, have improved my study habits, had my exams, passed a class and started a new one. Broke up with my girlfriend and continued to make new friends. Have drank and mixed drinks, yet to have a hangover at university. Tried wine and avoided sourpuss. And most recently realized just how much i have changed.
I used to be much more introverted than i currently am (don't get me wrong, i still am incredibly shy but it is slowly going away...). Rather now i find myself embracing a certain type of insanity which allows me to do whatever i so choose and be completely comfortable with it. It would be a lie for me to claim credit for this however, i instead owe this to the wonderfully amazing people i have grown to know and love here at university.
They have gifted me with this confidence in myself to be whoever i want to be, and in doing this have given me the space to grow to who i currently am (that is right, i blame all of YOU for my insanity!). I thank you all for this.
However, in the constant stream and rush of activities swirling around me i recently have also realized how much of myself i have lost. I rarely manage to find the time to sit and meditate anymore. I rarely take the time to find the random posts online which so inspire my world views. And lets not forget this blog. I don't really take the time to write anymore.
I can't help but be reminded of a quote (can i ever?) which states that sitting around and simply waiting for inspiration never works, you have to go out there and get it for yourself. In a way that is what i have been doing for myself, latching onto whatever ideas or experiances come my way to see what i can do with them and what i can learn.
But this leaping from idea to idea, from thought to thought, and action to action leaves me feeling sort of drained and less who i was, or even with the idea of who i was. And that is a mistake.
One thing i remember from myself is a quote (thats right, one i made!) which says "Be thankful for who you were yesterday for without them you would not be who you are now" and tonight i realize just how true this is. Tonight i tried out for my university's first response team, the people on campus who help out in cases of medical emergencies. If you can't tell what happened then i suppose i have to. I didn't make the cut and for quite some time i felt deeply upset by it.
I tried to play pool, or to sit and read a text book but i couldn't do it, i needed movement. And so i got up and ran across campus before slowly walking back (in negative 16 weather, i have no idea what made me forget to grab a hat but my ears are still mad about it).
If you have enjoyed reading this far than you owe that walk a thank you because it reminded me of who i used to be. And it told me that there just might be parts of that person i want to hang onto. For instance the meditation and the writing are parts which i deeply miss and so i think i will attempt to resurrect.
If i fail, well i am only human, and if i succeed then gimme the props i deserve, a smack to the back of the head and the orders to get back to work or over to the pool table.
On a side note, sit and listen to this song Man I Used to Be
24.10.09
Uni-Ready
So here i am, actually writing something again. Weird isn't it? Not entirely surprising that i am writing something but it has been forever, and i seem to recall writing something during the summer about how i wouldn't let this blog go un-posted on for a long time... But i have, and i probably will continue to do so.
See, now i have stuff to do, and can access the internet at a decent pace. It actually turns out that i can load stuff within like 10 minutes! Five even! And so i find myself with other things to do. As well here at university i haven't really spent as much time in introspection as i have during the summer. Why that is i haven't pinpointed, but i haven't.
And without as much introspection, without the idea to just sit down and start writing to de-stress every single day because i am not as stressed... well it makes writing stuff actually a lot harder. Interesting, kinda like that idea that darkness brings out more creativity than light. Fits in with what Freud said about artists using other frustrations (namely sexual frustration) to fire arts, to fuel the works that they do.
Me and my darkness... well mine is still there, as deep and dark as ever, but it is hidden from beneath a towering pile of other stuff that i am enjoying in life right now. I like my classes, even if i find the profs or the readings dull i like that i am learning all about people and why we do what we do. I have got to meet a tonne of people, including people i have known only through the internet. As well i am on my own, finally getting the chance to grow into myself outside from my family.
Which adds an interesting point, apparently this is the time most students begin to feel truly homesick, the time they begin to miss all the other stuff that had happened. Now this has made me think about my last 2 years at home. I took a victory lap in high school to take the other courses that i couldn't fit or were not offered during my grade 12 year. After that i spent a year hiding from the world in my job making money to afford school. Both points are true, i was hiding because having to go out and be responsible terrifies me, and i couldn't have been able to pay for even one semester of school had i gone last year.
But apparently i should have gone. Interesting statement, i know. But the thing is, i am so happy here in comparison to all the stresses that i have had at home... I should have gone to university either one or two years ago, gone and began this whole process. Of course then how could i have known that? And what would have happened if i had gone? Would i really have been ready or would i just have been in the process of becoming ready?
See, now i have stuff to do, and can access the internet at a decent pace. It actually turns out that i can load stuff within like 10 minutes! Five even! And so i find myself with other things to do. As well here at university i haven't really spent as much time in introspection as i have during the summer. Why that is i haven't pinpointed, but i haven't.
And without as much introspection, without the idea to just sit down and start writing to de-stress every single day because i am not as stressed... well it makes writing stuff actually a lot harder. Interesting, kinda like that idea that darkness brings out more creativity than light. Fits in with what Freud said about artists using other frustrations (namely sexual frustration) to fire arts, to fuel the works that they do.
Me and my darkness... well mine is still there, as deep and dark as ever, but it is hidden from beneath a towering pile of other stuff that i am enjoying in life right now. I like my classes, even if i find the profs or the readings dull i like that i am learning all about people and why we do what we do. I have got to meet a tonne of people, including people i have known only through the internet. As well i am on my own, finally getting the chance to grow into myself outside from my family.
Which adds an interesting point, apparently this is the time most students begin to feel truly homesick, the time they begin to miss all the other stuff that had happened. Now this has made me think about my last 2 years at home. I took a victory lap in high school to take the other courses that i couldn't fit or were not offered during my grade 12 year. After that i spent a year hiding from the world in my job making money to afford school. Both points are true, i was hiding because having to go out and be responsible terrifies me, and i couldn't have been able to pay for even one semester of school had i gone last year.
But apparently i should have gone. Interesting statement, i know. But the thing is, i am so happy here in comparison to all the stresses that i have had at home... I should have gone to university either one or two years ago, gone and began this whole process. Of course then how could i have known that? And what would have happened if i had gone? Would i really have been ready or would i just have been in the process of becoming ready?
7.10.09
Uni-Life
Hey I am back on posting, and now i have to say something from a Bo Burnham video: Hello, did you miss me? Well then go FU-"
Now that the intro that i have been wanting to type for a while is out i can get down to making the crappy blog posts you all know and for some strange reason enjoy. I am at university now, have been since the 7th of September.
And a lot has happened, i have met people, pulled damn near all nighters, eaten junk food, fallen asleep in lectures, and wasted loads of time on the internet. And i got my computer back so HUZZA! And now i have a decent internet for the first time in my life. As such i can actually watch streaming video! I CAN GO ON YOUTUBE!
Ya, very shocking idea, i know. And so i am in university and should have tonnes of stories to tell, but i don't really want to tell them all now. They feel like they are my stories, to tell in person. But i do have something i kinda want to talk about now.
One of the classes i am taking is cultural studies, it is basically the study of what is culture. Culture is one of those things that i can't define and neither can anyone else that i have seen. Well anywho it turns out the class so far seems to be the biggest bit of bullshit i have ever sat through.
It seems to me that the class is one run by professors who get there rocks off on being profs. Cruel, harsh, and judging, i know. One of those things that once it is said which seems like slander or something else which i could be sued for. I can't be, i am just stating that this is the impression i got from the first few lectures.
Then something different happened yesterday. See, in cultures i also lucked out with getting my favorite TA for the class. He is my favorite simply because... i dunno why but he is. Anywho, back to what i was saying, i didn't look forward to the lecture but did look forward to the seminar with my TA because it was actually interesting.
Anywho yesterday i actually found the lecture interesting. It was a different prof talking, she somehow inspired me to actually sit up and pay attention. Her lecture was about language and how it is formed from ideas, but how we could never truly know language because we never really know the ideas of other people.
It was fascinating and confusing and messed with the heads of everyone who was listening. The talk left my head spinning, she let us question her and answered us. The lecture had discussion to it. It had a back and fourth. She was willing to admit things that she didn't know to us. It was so refreshing to listen to, to hear a prof who didn't try to make it sound like they knew everything under the sun.
And yet other people found it frustrating and annoying. They found the fact that she didn't claim to know everything, to offer certainty frustrating. It makes me think about my own perspective. If i find the lack of a center, the lack of ground beneath me comforting what does that say about me? And what does it mean to say that we take comfort from people who don't admit their own ignorance, and dislike those who do?
Now that the intro that i have been wanting to type for a while is out i can get down to making the crappy blog posts you all know and for some strange reason enjoy. I am at university now, have been since the 7th of September.
And a lot has happened, i have met people, pulled damn near all nighters, eaten junk food, fallen asleep in lectures, and wasted loads of time on the internet. And i got my computer back so HUZZA! And now i have a decent internet for the first time in my life. As such i can actually watch streaming video! I CAN GO ON YOUTUBE!
Ya, very shocking idea, i know. And so i am in university and should have tonnes of stories to tell, but i don't really want to tell them all now. They feel like they are my stories, to tell in person. But i do have something i kinda want to talk about now.
One of the classes i am taking is cultural studies, it is basically the study of what is culture. Culture is one of those things that i can't define and neither can anyone else that i have seen. Well anywho it turns out the class so far seems to be the biggest bit of bullshit i have ever sat through.
It seems to me that the class is one run by professors who get there rocks off on being profs. Cruel, harsh, and judging, i know. One of those things that once it is said which seems like slander or something else which i could be sued for. I can't be, i am just stating that this is the impression i got from the first few lectures.
Then something different happened yesterday. See, in cultures i also lucked out with getting my favorite TA for the class. He is my favorite simply because... i dunno why but he is. Anywho, back to what i was saying, i didn't look forward to the lecture but did look forward to the seminar with my TA because it was actually interesting.
Anywho yesterday i actually found the lecture interesting. It was a different prof talking, she somehow inspired me to actually sit up and pay attention. Her lecture was about language and how it is formed from ideas, but how we could never truly know language because we never really know the ideas of other people.
It was fascinating and confusing and messed with the heads of everyone who was listening. The talk left my head spinning, she let us question her and answered us. The lecture had discussion to it. It had a back and fourth. She was willing to admit things that she didn't know to us. It was so refreshing to listen to, to hear a prof who didn't try to make it sound like they knew everything under the sun.
And yet other people found it frustrating and annoying. They found the fact that she didn't claim to know everything, to offer certainty frustrating. It makes me think about my own perspective. If i find the lack of a center, the lack of ground beneath me comforting what does that say about me? And what does it mean to say that we take comfort from people who don't admit their own ignorance, and dislike those who do?
11.9.09
Missing My Computer
OK so back to blogging because i have most definatly fallen out of the habbit. I sent my computer away to be fixed, had it for like a week at the most and sent it away again, so now here i sit, blogging on a computer at university, missing my laptop.
It isn't so much that i miss my laptop though, it is more than i miss the people i use it to talk to. I guess it is kind of just a seeking of comforts from the past. My computer was something i had there all the time, that and my TV.
I never worried about not having a TV at university because i would just go online and find shows or watch DVDs but now i have ended up reading for most of my free time in my room. Which isn't really a bad thing. Hell it is a good thing.
But because i am not used to it, i end up missing my computer. I have been attached to that laptop for so long that when i have time to sit down and think about it i miss it. Lucky for me i brought most of my favorite books and have been staying busy all week. So i guess that is my mission until i get the call that my computer is fixed, stay busy.
It isn't so much that i miss my laptop though, it is more than i miss the people i use it to talk to. I guess it is kind of just a seeking of comforts from the past. My computer was something i had there all the time, that and my TV.
I never worried about not having a TV at university because i would just go online and find shows or watch DVDs but now i have ended up reading for most of my free time in my room. Which isn't really a bad thing. Hell it is a good thing.
But because i am not used to it, i end up missing my computer. I have been attached to that laptop for so long that when i have time to sit down and think about it i miss it. Lucky for me i brought most of my favorite books and have been staying busy all week. So i guess that is my mission until i get the call that my computer is fixed, stay busy.
1.9.09
Blocked in and Worried
So lately, well for a while now, i have been encountering an issue with my writing. That issue being that i seem to be losing the creativity that allowed me to write stuff that aparently was captiviating before. Now instead i seem to be stuck in writing these rants, rather than working towards writing any sort of great novel.
Now this really bugs me, writing was my talent, my gift. I feel kind of like how i assume the main character must have felt at the end of the Amber Spyglass, unable to access a talent that before had come to her so effortlessly.
I can't access that part of myself that holds those words to captivate and describe. I can't begin a new story, create new characters and new worlds. It all feels beyond me now and as such fills me with a frustration that wants to boil over.
A part of me feels that this stems from my efforts to try and become more satisfied with life, to become happier. If i am happy, if i am content, then how am i supposed to be able to pull out my own internal darkness and conflict and turn it into words that speak to the soul of those reading them?(just to make my writing sound a little more impressive)
The only solution i can currently think of is that i need to read something, anything, perhaps all the great books that i have been talking about on here, and leave my own writing alone for a while.
But i don't want to leave my writing for a period of time, leave my blog. My writing... it has become a sort of ritual i do when something begins to trouble me. When i feel stressed or angst about something i come and sit at my desk and i write and write and write until i feel that i have removed all the current issues about it, or all the relevent parts.
I write until i feel that my writing has allowed me time to see my own thoughts clear enough to move on. So i guess i will keep writing here, and i will also take time to write somewhere else, and see what i can come up with. Who knows? Maybe this is just a short stop in my growth...
How i hope so.
Now this really bugs me, writing was my talent, my gift. I feel kind of like how i assume the main character must have felt at the end of the Amber Spyglass, unable to access a talent that before had come to her so effortlessly.
I can't access that part of myself that holds those words to captivate and describe. I can't begin a new story, create new characters and new worlds. It all feels beyond me now and as such fills me with a frustration that wants to boil over.
A part of me feels that this stems from my efforts to try and become more satisfied with life, to become happier. If i am happy, if i am content, then how am i supposed to be able to pull out my own internal darkness and conflict and turn it into words that speak to the soul of those reading them?(just to make my writing sound a little more impressive)
The only solution i can currently think of is that i need to read something, anything, perhaps all the great books that i have been talking about on here, and leave my own writing alone for a while.
But i don't want to leave my writing for a period of time, leave my blog. My writing... it has become a sort of ritual i do when something begins to trouble me. When i feel stressed or angst about something i come and sit at my desk and i write and write and write until i feel that i have removed all the current issues about it, or all the relevent parts.
I write until i feel that my writing has allowed me time to see my own thoughts clear enough to move on. So i guess i will keep writing here, and i will also take time to write somewhere else, and see what i can come up with. Who knows? Maybe this is just a short stop in my growth...
How i hope so.
31.8.09
Experience
Well i am back, my laptop is back in from its third send off in two years meaning the next thing to go wrong equals a brand new one! Wootles! Anywho, off of my tech semi detox i gotta say this one was way easier than the other times i have been without my computer, and i want to give props to the reasons why.
First and foremost would be the people who kept me busy, so thanks to my friends, family, girlfriend, and my boss who kept scheduling me for 40 hours a week despite my part time status. Next props goes out to my cell phone which has become my top way to keep in touch with people, through both texts and tweets. Final props has to go again to my girlfriend and the public library both of which provided me with internet access when i really strongly needed it.
So now i am back to my online life with what i hope is a new and lasting perspective. And so i have many things to write about (but as if i could come up with something planned in advance...).
So I'll go with something i saw today which happened to pop some new ideas into my head after meditating. I was walking down the street in Bowmanville and i saw a person get in their car, drive off, and head towards a subdivision that was within reasonable walking distance.
That made me think about what is going on with people driving places all the time and always being in a rush to get from place to place. This brings me to talking about my job.
Yesterday was my last day before my student leave began, yet rather than being filled with happiness that i was leaving i felt a melancholy fill me. I had been working their for almost three years, 40 hours a week for most of the summer. And now it was all over.
I had grown attached to the suffering that was so associated with working so much. With this sudden lift of it i had no clue what to feel. Which brings me to a book on power written by a Buddhist teacher, it is called The Art of Power. The teacher is Thich Nhat Hanh. In the book he talks about how people "never really walk on the ground" but rather as we walk we think about all the things going on in the past or that might happen in the future.
The point is that the woman who was driving home so fast, not wasting a single second, was doing just that, driving on all her worries as fast as possible, back to her stronghold. When an animal is scared it will go to somewhere it feels safe, a den or barn. I think that with all of our lack of interaction prompted by computers and texting and email we have retreated from really knowing what to do in the real world.
Because of this we don't really take the time to step outside our patterns and experience new things. We don't look for new places and people because we have too many things to think about, too many experiences to worry over. So we need to retreat to our strongholds, our dens, as fast as possible.
Anywho i hope meditation will help me to wake up from this a bit. I hope it will help me to let go of my suffering faster, and not miss the pain when it is gone.
Challenge to people who read this for the next month: take one walk a week and go to a totally new area. Totally experience it when you are there, don't think about the past or the future or what else could be happening anywhere else. Be present.
First and foremost would be the people who kept me busy, so thanks to my friends, family, girlfriend, and my boss who kept scheduling me for 40 hours a week despite my part time status. Next props goes out to my cell phone which has become my top way to keep in touch with people, through both texts and tweets. Final props has to go again to my girlfriend and the public library both of which provided me with internet access when i really strongly needed it.
So now i am back to my online life with what i hope is a new and lasting perspective. And so i have many things to write about (but as if i could come up with something planned in advance...).
So I'll go with something i saw today which happened to pop some new ideas into my head after meditating. I was walking down the street in Bowmanville and i saw a person get in their car, drive off, and head towards a subdivision that was within reasonable walking distance.
That made me think about what is going on with people driving places all the time and always being in a rush to get from place to place. This brings me to talking about my job.
Yesterday was my last day before my student leave began, yet rather than being filled with happiness that i was leaving i felt a melancholy fill me. I had been working their for almost three years, 40 hours a week for most of the summer. And now it was all over.
I had grown attached to the suffering that was so associated with working so much. With this sudden lift of it i had no clue what to feel. Which brings me to a book on power written by a Buddhist teacher, it is called The Art of Power. The teacher is Thich Nhat Hanh. In the book he talks about how people "never really walk on the ground" but rather as we walk we think about all the things going on in the past or that might happen in the future.
The point is that the woman who was driving home so fast, not wasting a single second, was doing just that, driving on all her worries as fast as possible, back to her stronghold. When an animal is scared it will go to somewhere it feels safe, a den or barn. I think that with all of our lack of interaction prompted by computers and texting and email we have retreated from really knowing what to do in the real world.
Because of this we don't really take the time to step outside our patterns and experience new things. We don't look for new places and people because we have too many things to think about, too many experiences to worry over. So we need to retreat to our strongholds, our dens, as fast as possible.
Anywho i hope meditation will help me to wake up from this a bit. I hope it will help me to let go of my suffering faster, and not miss the pain when it is gone.
Challenge to people who read this for the next month: take one walk a week and go to a totally new area. Totally experience it when you are there, don't think about the past or the future or what else could be happening anywhere else. Be present.
18.8.09
My Role Model
Alright so i am blogging from the public library today because of the fact that my computer is still being fixed and i refuse to use my sister's incredably old one at home. The thing is so slow that i am almost certain that it would freeze when i started typing on blogger. Not that the library is much better... oh how i miss my computer, this is deffinatly a wake up call to how lucky i am to have it. Anywho this is my first chance to blog about something that i have wanted to talk about for a while now.
Jason Mraz. I lucked out along with a bunch of other people who entered the Scene Contest for tickets to his recent show at the Molson Ampitheatre where he rocked out in an awesome show. The guy was... well he was the best preformer i have ever seen in concert.
To give you an idea of who i am comparing him to i have seen the following live, Seether, Three Days Grace, Avril Lavigne, Faber Drive, State of Shock, David Usher, and ill Scarlett. It may not be a very long list but there are some impressive people on it. And to me at least Jason Mraz blew them all away(as i sit in a public library in the t-shirt i bought there).
It was an impressive concert with a great venue and the opening act's lined up (at least in my mind) with the type of music that the headliner plays better than several others. Of course there was the concert enviorment from the very beginning, people all ready and waiting, the pressure building, anticipation wasn't the pleasue for people there but it was about as thick as the tension in a steriotypical murder mystery.
Then when he finally came on stage it went wild. The other acts had done great music and had nice lights but the set up had barely been used and it made it all the more impressive when Jason opened up and began to play.
So the enviorment was as ripe for a great experiance, people seemed to expect greatness from him and he did not disappoint. But there was more to it than that, for me at least... Do you remember the music magazine blender?
Well in their final print issue they featured Jason Mraz... That was the first time i found out that Mr. Mraz was and is someone who practices Zen, is a vegitarian surfer and scrabble junkie who grows his own organic food. Like dude, loved this guys music since i first heard it the summer between grade 10 and 11, i remember telling people on msn to download him dispite not having a clue at the time how to spell his name.
And now, after i have finished most of my spiritual search, and i have finished it when it comes to considering things outside of Buddhism, is it any wonder that my favorite male singer for several years now follows that very same belief?
Back to the concert, i guess what made him so amazing was... Well at Avril's concert she played the crowd, just like a good preformer should. But Jason seemed more genuine and he worked to spread a very hippie-ish message where he was trying to spread the vibe of The Gratitude Cafe through the world. Like the guy is actively working on spreading goodness and happiness through the world with one of his messages being live your life to leave things better than you found them, people and places.
The t-shirt i bought has a hidden message in it which i think is the Om symbol but i am not sure, and it is orgnaically made. His other message was don't let your mind stop you from having fun. I mean come on, that is a perfect message for people to hear, it resonated with me so well that i have had to spread it and rant about it to those people who i hoped would listen.
Because that is what worries me, his message was great, and he said it to a massive crowd of people. People of different ages and different orgins and behaviours all coming together to hear him sing. But i wonder how many people listen to the words in-between the music? How many people noted what the actual meaning was? And how many will carry it forward?
(P.S. If you haven't heard his music listen to the song The Dynamo of Volition for the music and Life is Wonderful or Song for a Friend for the words)
Jason Mraz. I lucked out along with a bunch of other people who entered the Scene Contest for tickets to his recent show at the Molson Ampitheatre where he rocked out in an awesome show. The guy was... well he was the best preformer i have ever seen in concert.
To give you an idea of who i am comparing him to i have seen the following live, Seether, Three Days Grace, Avril Lavigne, Faber Drive, State of Shock, David Usher, and ill Scarlett. It may not be a very long list but there are some impressive people on it. And to me at least Jason Mraz blew them all away(as i sit in a public library in the t-shirt i bought there).
It was an impressive concert with a great venue and the opening act's lined up (at least in my mind) with the type of music that the headliner plays better than several others. Of course there was the concert enviorment from the very beginning, people all ready and waiting, the pressure building, anticipation wasn't the pleasue for people there but it was about as thick as the tension in a steriotypical murder mystery.
Then when he finally came on stage it went wild. The other acts had done great music and had nice lights but the set up had barely been used and it made it all the more impressive when Jason opened up and began to play.
So the enviorment was as ripe for a great experiance, people seemed to expect greatness from him and he did not disappoint. But there was more to it than that, for me at least... Do you remember the music magazine blender?
Well in their final print issue they featured Jason Mraz... That was the first time i found out that Mr. Mraz was and is someone who practices Zen, is a vegitarian surfer and scrabble junkie who grows his own organic food. Like dude, loved this guys music since i first heard it the summer between grade 10 and 11, i remember telling people on msn to download him dispite not having a clue at the time how to spell his name.
And now, after i have finished most of my spiritual search, and i have finished it when it comes to considering things outside of Buddhism, is it any wonder that my favorite male singer for several years now follows that very same belief?
Back to the concert, i guess what made him so amazing was... Well at Avril's concert she played the crowd, just like a good preformer should. But Jason seemed more genuine and he worked to spread a very hippie-ish message where he was trying to spread the vibe of The Gratitude Cafe through the world. Like the guy is actively working on spreading goodness and happiness through the world with one of his messages being live your life to leave things better than you found them, people and places.
The t-shirt i bought has a hidden message in it which i think is the Om symbol but i am not sure, and it is orgnaically made. His other message was don't let your mind stop you from having fun. I mean come on, that is a perfect message for people to hear, it resonated with me so well that i have had to spread it and rant about it to those people who i hoped would listen.
Because that is what worries me, his message was great, and he said it to a massive crowd of people. People of different ages and different orgins and behaviours all coming together to hear him sing. But i wonder how many people listen to the words in-between the music? How many people noted what the actual meaning was? And how many will carry it forward?
(P.S. If you haven't heard his music listen to the song The Dynamo of Volition for the music and Life is Wonderful or Song for a Friend for the words)
6.8.09
So this will be my second post tonight, for the reason because i have had a lot of things spinning around my head. The one i want to talk about now is the stupid thing my sister's friend was saying the other day. I had picked them up from training their cows (questions for another day).
Anywho my sister was asking for book recommendations from her friend, as well as me. She tends to read like a fiend during the summer because there is little left to do here during the summer. I want her to check out the Sword of Truth series by Terry Goodkind but she doesn't want to start something that is 13 books long, around 700 pages each. As such she wanted other recommendations. My next choice was Bloodletting, to which my sister said it would be sad, and then my sister's friend said that she never reads anything that is real or watches movies which are based on true stories because she doesn't want to be depressed by them.
That strikes me as ridiculous. To willingly blind yourself to the things that happen out in the real world because they are depressing. To refuse to see things as they are means that all kinds of things escape you. Change ceases to happen. Issues over the globe are ignored. People already don't watch the news, don't protest, lose their passion over issues (i do this too), and tend to look the other way when it comes to problems larger than themselves.
As humans we are all tiny and individual, to quote a line from a book by Brian Jacques called Martin the Warrior "We all are like tiny droplets of water, scattered easily by a single hand, but if we are united together we can become a powerful stream with the strength to even erode boulders." People are truly like this yet now we are more separate than ever before.
To blind yourself to what is out there is what could allow someone to rise to power like Hitler again, to allow rights and freedoms to be taken away. You need to read and watch things that are real, it lets you see what is real. Imagination and fantasy are important but the real world is where we all are, and we need to see it or we wont survive in it for long.
Anywho my sister was asking for book recommendations from her friend, as well as me. She tends to read like a fiend during the summer because there is little left to do here during the summer. I want her to check out the Sword of Truth series by Terry Goodkind but she doesn't want to start something that is 13 books long, around 700 pages each. As such she wanted other recommendations. My next choice was Bloodletting, to which my sister said it would be sad, and then my sister's friend said that she never reads anything that is real or watches movies which are based on true stories because she doesn't want to be depressed by them.
That strikes me as ridiculous. To willingly blind yourself to the things that happen out in the real world because they are depressing. To refuse to see things as they are means that all kinds of things escape you. Change ceases to happen. Issues over the globe are ignored. People already don't watch the news, don't protest, lose their passion over issues (i do this too), and tend to look the other way when it comes to problems larger than themselves.
As humans we are all tiny and individual, to quote a line from a book by Brian Jacques called Martin the Warrior "We all are like tiny droplets of water, scattered easily by a single hand, but if we are united together we can become a powerful stream with the strength to even erode boulders." People are truly like this yet now we are more separate than ever before.
To blind yourself to what is out there is what could allow someone to rise to power like Hitler again, to allow rights and freedoms to be taken away. You need to read and watch things that are real, it lets you see what is real. Imagination and fantasy are important but the real world is where we all are, and we need to see it or we wont survive in it for long.
5.8.09
Tech Detox
Hmm, what to blog? What to blog?... Well there are a lot of things that are possible but what do i feel like? I don't really feel like writing about anything in particular... But i want to write about something, see i plan to send my computer in to be worked on soon, meaning that the only time i will have access to the internet will be at my girlfriend's house.
Its going to be a total shift from what i tend to spend my time doing now. I use my laptop for almost everything, i blog on it, peruse blogs, research things. I write on it, i use it to watch videos, to watch DVDs, to listen to music, charge my ipod, and plan things out. It is kinda dissapointing relying on this peice of machinery so much, it has become a center point in my life. It and my cell phone are my life lines out of my house because i live so far away from anywhere else.
Anywho the next little while without my laptop will be interesting. So that will probably be my first post when i get back. Detoxing from the online world. I will still be plugged in though, so the question is how bad will it be? Last time it happened i was angryer than normal and had a shorter fuse.
Its going to be a total shift from what i tend to spend my time doing now. I use my laptop for almost everything, i blog on it, peruse blogs, research things. I write on it, i use it to watch videos, to watch DVDs, to listen to music, charge my ipod, and plan things out. It is kinda dissapointing relying on this peice of machinery so much, it has become a center point in my life. It and my cell phone are my life lines out of my house because i live so far away from anywhere else.
Anywho the next little while without my laptop will be interesting. So that will probably be my first post when i get back. Detoxing from the online world. I will still be plugged in though, so the question is how bad will it be? Last time it happened i was angryer than normal and had a shorter fuse.
2.8.09
The Righteous Rage Becomes my Cage
So i don't know exactly why i am blogging this... I guess its because i need to take an action right now to get some of the stuff bouncing around the inside of my skull out and this is the least self destructive way to do so.
So i've got family from New Brunswick in the area for this weekend, and they would fit in really well with George Bush and his cronies or so i think. Ya, that is right, i am related to bible thumpers. Somebody who thinks that Zen is the way to go, and a big part of my genetics is linked to people who dislike gays cause it says so in the old testament and yet love Jesus in the new one, even though he says "love thy neighbor" and "judge not lest yea be judged". My two favorite quotes from him.
And tonight after working for 8 and a half hours, starting this morning at 7 am (thats the time i had to be there, not when i woke up...) i was expected by my mom to go and make polite conversation with them about life and ignore any and all comments about gays, sex, life in general.
And i said no, flat out no, i will not do it. I wont go and suffer through it and have to associate with people whom i so strongly disagree with who will proceed to gossip about me behind my back (despite the fact that thats a no no in the bible too, check the old testament this time). And this is a major problem to my mom. She falls into the category of believing that family means come and smile and be pretty whenever they are in town then go back to insulting them once the plane takes off.
And i said no because, well, hypocrisy has always been waaaaaaaaaaay up there in my pet peeves, and i just can't stand to do it when i am falling asleep during my shift at work. If i had some more sleep sure, if i was in a job i hated less sure, if i was given a little more advance warning then defiantly a plus.
But i got none of this, and so i said no, i refused and my mom left basically crying after a near record holding shouting match between us. It was the first time i had managed to not shout for nearly the entire time too. But i did crack, and i yelled, and now i see the results of rage.
Because i love my mom, yes i love my mommy. And I'm seeing right now that maybe this once i should have given in to what she wanted instead of insisting for my own independence right now like i have been for months. Because that is why i fight her on things so often, i need my space to grow and start making my own mistakes (not that i don't make them now, but i need some freedom, why else would i be so desperate for residence?).
So i guess my point deep within all this rambling is consider your own motives, and when you have done that, consider them again. Then consider the other person's reasons for what they want. Then you can make up your mind.
1.8.09
Chips and Dip
So this is a post that actually hasn't been a long time coming. Rather it is something that i want to write about now because it came up the other night when i was talking to a friend of mine and well... It seems like a good blog post to offer up to the world.
As i have and will continue to state over and over i practice some Zen Buddhist practices, and generally believe the same things as Buddhists do. Now me, i am a passionate person, i tend to get really involved with things that i think about, like say politics (DOWN WITH THE CONSERVATIVES!!!) or women's rights, or music (ROCK ON BNL).
So i tend to also get angry often and fast, but most of the time i am very good at letting go of my emotions before they do something negative. Namely, i am a master of chillaxin and takin a break. As such, even though i get angry about things people think of me as a happy person because i usually have a big goofy grin on my face (unless i am getting\taking a picture).
Meanwhile when i was talking to a friend of mine the other night at work about how stressed out she was getting and how it was effecting her life. She has been having trouble sleeping and getting close to a breakdown (interesting isn't it how that place seems to eat people's souls for snacks?).
I took a few moments before ranting at her to consider why she is stressing herself out so much that she is suffering from insomnia. And this is what i came up with, the society that we live in is one which promotes flaunting your suffering. It isn't enough to have a job, it has to be a job that you complain about. Your best friend isn't just the person who you have known the longest, they are also the person you talk to about your significant other (aka complain to).
What is with the obsession with the negative we all seem to have? Why does everybody have to have some kind of problem in their life? And yes i know i spend most of my blog posts ranting about things that i want improved in my life and that this one will probably come off as me being all pissy that people can't handle their problems all 1950's style.
The issue here is that our lives aren't really that hard, i have known people who have rights for their angst and people who are making their problems worse than they actually are. Most of us fall into the second category. I can admit i do, my only real issue with life is that i am bound to a job that i don't like in any way shape or form. And even that i don't really mind most days, just when i have dodged meditation for a long time it starts to pile up.
So why do we flaunt suffering and carry it around with us wherever we go? Why is it that we want to suffer more than we want to be happy? The answer i come up with is simply that whoever has the most angst wins.
I'm gonna explain this with a story, back when i was a little kid i was in boy scouts and my mom was one of the leaders. (my mom is awesome by the way, and i know it despite how often we fight or argue, i know i could have it a lot worse)
Anywho there was this kid in the group who wasn't exactly liked by most people there, he was basically the negative opinion of most society when they think about those "damn kids". So most of us disliked him in the group as well yet for some reason my mom took time with him basically making him her favorite of us all. This bugged me at the time because i wanted to be my mom's favorite, but he was.
The way my mom explained it to me was that if i knew what he had been through i would understand but that she couldn't tell me. I think we have grown up on that idea, that the kids who had bad stuff happen to them deserve and often get special treatment. It is prevalent throughout the rest of society as well with the treatment of minorities as well (and i know i shouldn't really be saying this what with me being a white male in Canada).
But the problem with this is that as kids we don't really see it that way (or at least i didn't, maybe i am that different). Instead we see it as whoever complains the most gets treated special, and we start to carry our angst around with us. The problem is that because this behavior is learned so young people keep doing it throughout their teens, stressing themselves out to get special treatment.
There is a great episode of Scrubs covering this in season 6 where one of the characters is cruel to people all the time, yet whenever she goes to far simply says "my parents were mean to me" and people forgive and forget. Chips on the shoulder have begun to excuse any kind of behavior, even if they are of the person's own making.
If you check out the book Tuesdays With Morrie you will eventually get to the line that says basically (because i cannot remember it word for word) we live in a society where people get hurt all the time but it is acceptable to us because it is much harder for us to start our own society.
Well that's what i am trying to do, let go of my past pains and angst and move on. Come on people, come with me, put that chip down, and grab a plate of nachos instead.
As i have and will continue to state over and over i practice some Zen Buddhist practices, and generally believe the same things as Buddhists do. Now me, i am a passionate person, i tend to get really involved with things that i think about, like say politics (DOWN WITH THE CONSERVATIVES!!!) or women's rights, or music (ROCK ON BNL).
So i tend to also get angry often and fast, but most of the time i am very good at letting go of my emotions before they do something negative. Namely, i am a master of chillaxin and takin a break. As such, even though i get angry about things people think of me as a happy person because i usually have a big goofy grin on my face (unless i am getting\taking a picture).
Meanwhile when i was talking to a friend of mine the other night at work about how stressed out she was getting and how it was effecting her life. She has been having trouble sleeping and getting close to a breakdown (interesting isn't it how that place seems to eat people's souls for snacks?).
I took a few moments before ranting at her to consider why she is stressing herself out so much that she is suffering from insomnia. And this is what i came up with, the society that we live in is one which promotes flaunting your suffering. It isn't enough to have a job, it has to be a job that you complain about. Your best friend isn't just the person who you have known the longest, they are also the person you talk to about your significant other (aka complain to).
What is with the obsession with the negative we all seem to have? Why does everybody have to have some kind of problem in their life? And yes i know i spend most of my blog posts ranting about things that i want improved in my life and that this one will probably come off as me being all pissy that people can't handle their problems all 1950's style.
The issue here is that our lives aren't really that hard, i have known people who have rights for their angst and people who are making their problems worse than they actually are. Most of us fall into the second category. I can admit i do, my only real issue with life is that i am bound to a job that i don't like in any way shape or form. And even that i don't really mind most days, just when i have dodged meditation for a long time it starts to pile up.
So why do we flaunt suffering and carry it around with us wherever we go? Why is it that we want to suffer more than we want to be happy? The answer i come up with is simply that whoever has the most angst wins.
I'm gonna explain this with a story, back when i was a little kid i was in boy scouts and my mom was one of the leaders. (my mom is awesome by the way, and i know it despite how often we fight or argue, i know i could have it a lot worse)
Anywho there was this kid in the group who wasn't exactly liked by most people there, he was basically the negative opinion of most society when they think about those "damn kids". So most of us disliked him in the group as well yet for some reason my mom took time with him basically making him her favorite of us all. This bugged me at the time because i wanted to be my mom's favorite, but he was.
The way my mom explained it to me was that if i knew what he had been through i would understand but that she couldn't tell me. I think we have grown up on that idea, that the kids who had bad stuff happen to them deserve and often get special treatment. It is prevalent throughout the rest of society as well with the treatment of minorities as well (and i know i shouldn't really be saying this what with me being a white male in Canada).
But the problem with this is that as kids we don't really see it that way (or at least i didn't, maybe i am that different). Instead we see it as whoever complains the most gets treated special, and we start to carry our angst around with us. The problem is that because this behavior is learned so young people keep doing it throughout their teens, stressing themselves out to get special treatment.
There is a great episode of Scrubs covering this in season 6 where one of the characters is cruel to people all the time, yet whenever she goes to far simply says "my parents were mean to me" and people forgive and forget. Chips on the shoulder have begun to excuse any kind of behavior, even if they are of the person's own making.
If you check out the book Tuesdays With Morrie you will eventually get to the line that says basically (because i cannot remember it word for word) we live in a society where people get hurt all the time but it is acceptable to us because it is much harder for us to start our own society.
Well that's what i am trying to do, let go of my past pains and angst and move on. Come on people, come with me, put that chip down, and grab a plate of nachos instead.
31.7.09
Some More Angst
So i have a bit more angst for y'all. Recently i came to a conclusion about myself while listening to my favorite podcast, Zen is Stupid. I came to the conclusion that i cannot work for any large company when i am older because i simply have that much dislike against large companies/organizations.
This conclusion came to me because my job has become increasingly stressful for me recently. One of the reasons for this i am sure is that it simply has become too much of the same, with nothing new it becomes hard to know if what i am doing really matters, i fill shelfs and they empty, i fill them, they empty, day in day out.
Then this week my department was given extra people from other departments to help us. We usually have an assistant manager and a manager as well as myself but the assistant moved on to a nicer place. As such i have not only outlasted 5 assistant managers, and have the most seniority in the dairy/frozen department. As such i was in charge of these people. Now because of this when they needed help on knowing what to do next or where something was they asked me, but when i wanted them to do something, i was SOL because i had no official authority over them. If i wanted any kind of authority over them i would have to stick around there for years before i managed to hear about a job that no full timer wanted so i could get it.
Therefore i developed a kind of stress out where i considered walking out in the middle of my shift. It was driving me up the wall that much.
As well i grew up in an environment where no matter how the government/random company acts there is some way that it could have been done better. This sort of attitude seems to have infected my thought process so that every single time i think about the fact that i work for a big company i feel sick with myself. I offer up products that i don't really believe are good for people, support a business that slowly is eating up smaller producers, and work in an environment that i can't stand.
The entire thing was knocked home for me the other night when i was talking to a guy i used to work with. He got a job as a full-time, assistant night manager. The job had been forcing him to be up all night and try to sleep during the day. He hadn't been about to and had lost somewhere around 80 pounds in addition to having problems with his diet and his personal relationships with people.
Anyways recently he had a breakdown at work, began crying and went home. He got a doctor's note for a week off and now is hoping to switch to any other job the boss will allow. This drives home how i can't work for any company, at least with the mindset i have now because i was close to that point earlier this week and i wasn't under the stress of months at working during the nights. I will need to be someone who works for myself or at least a company where i believe in their work.
P.S. when grocery shopping don't complain about your feet hurting or how far you have to walk, the people working will have been on their feet longer and will be walking further.
24.7.09
Cruel Intentions, Misunderstood Intentions, Good Intentions.
OK so this post... Well let me go with this movie i have been obsessing over ever since i have watched it on Fox one afternoon. This movie is called Cruel Intentions and it stars Sarah Michelle Gellar, Ryan Phillippe, and Reese Witherspoon. If you haven't seen this movie i highly recommend it to you, it is kinda really amusing yet very deep undertones.
Beware though, if you keep reading i will spoil a couple plot points for you. This is my disclaimer, don't get pissed at me if i ruin bits for you.
So in the movie Ryan's character is trying to seduce Witherspoon's in order to win a bet with his step sister which means she will sleep with him. Yep, the movie is all about sex, sex, and for fun a little more sex.
Now keep in mind that Witherspoon in this movie is such a proud advocate for waiting to be in love before having sex that she is actually the subject of an article in 17 magazine. This movie portrays something which began to come to the forefront of my mind recently.
In our society we seem to have a certain kind of love for those in extremes. Couples are in extremes of love, on and off again, people who are pure and seem amazing or people who are completely evil and seem to have no traces of good anywhere on their soul.
These are the people we tend to watch, the geniuses, the mad scientists, the one demensional people who we pigeon hole into being good or bad, but not the ones in-between. But then as the movie goes on you see Ryan's character beings to develop some better characteristics he actually becomes more interesting as a person, even as he is less interesting to just watch, i found myself becoming involved with the character, rooting for him (as you should in a good movie).
This leads me to think about why do we find these people more entertaining? I think it may be due to the laziness we all have somewhere deep inside us. We don't really want to get to know everyone that detailed because if we did then we would have to remember it all, we would be invested in all of them that deeply, and each pain that happened would affect us a little more. Instead of watching the news and thinking about the stupid people in Toronto you might find yourself knowing the people involved.
It goes back to the idea that there is no good or bad, there is just differing shades of grey. I guess i just think that even though the movie is great and features a lot of comedy and drama maybe we all should look beyond it, and see that each person is more than just the one dimension.
This leads me to think about why do we find these people more entertaining? I think it may be due to the laziness we all have somewhere deep inside us. We don't really want to get to know everyone that detailed because if we did then we would have to remember it all, we would be invested in all of them that deeply, and each pain that happened would affect us a little more. Instead of watching the news and thinking about the stupid people in Toronto you might find yourself knowing the people involved.
It goes back to the idea that there is no good or bad, there is just differing shades of grey. I guess i just think that even though the movie is great and features a lot of comedy and drama maybe we all should look beyond it, and see that each person is more than just the one dimension.
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